The 12 Pubs of Christmas

← Back to the festivities

1. 01

   Scope of works

   The number twelve refers to pubs, not your minimum order. This is a pub crawl, not an Olympic qualifier.

2. 02

   Mandatory PPE

   A Christmas sweater is compulsory. PPE stands for “Properly Patterned Elfwear”. A festive attitude does not count as knitwear.

3. 03

   The hydration clause

   Water is an approved beverage. Ordering it will not put you on the naughty list. Calling it “a tactical pint” is permitted.

4. 04

   Round management

   Anyone announcing “I’ll get the next one” is reminded that witnesses, screenshots and undercover elves may be present.

5. 05

   Festive accounting

   Money spent after pub six shall be recorded as ‘Christmas expenses’. Your bank may describe it differently.

6. 06

   The disappearing group

   If you lose the party, check the pub list. If you lose your voice, check the karaoke. If you lose your Christmas sweater, have a word with yourself.

7. 07

   Interpretation of “just one”

   “We’ll just have one” is an expression of hope, not a reliable scheduling tool. Departure times may be affected by someone saying “quick toilet stop”.

8. 08

   Chips arbitration

   The person who says “I don’t want any” and then eats half the chips shall be entered into the minutes as The Grinch.

9. 09

   Karaoke rights

   Confidence does not constitute vocal ability. Mariah Carey has not endorsed your interpretation, and no amount of pointing at the ceiling will change that.

10. 10

    Evidence retention

    Group photographs may contain festive knitwear, unfortunate angles and somebody explaining a business idea. Ask before posting photos of other people.

11. 11

    Approved sleighs

    Trains, taxis and designated drivers are approved sleighs. After drinking, leave the driving to someone who hasn’t. Reindeer are not available on Uber.

12. 12

    Morning-after enquiries

    Enquiries concerning lost voices, rogue kebabs or messages beginning “great to see you last night” should be directed to North Pole Logistics & Global Distribution, Inc. Support opens after breakfast.

Drink at your own pace. Look after your mates. Keep the jumper on.